NOTE: This piece was published by the Huffington Post on Sept. 30, 2013.
Are you sad that Breaking Bad is over? Are you so upset you’re ready to crash your Pontiac Aztec into a tree or another living thing?
Fret not. You’ve got options. Breaking Bad isn’t gone, it’s just going where all good TV goes, to syndication and reruns and YouTube. Just look at Seinfeld. Hmmm. Seinfeld. That gives me an idea….
What would happen if we combined the greatest TV drama of all time with the greatest TV comedy of all time? Would the chemistry fail? Would it eat through the bathtub and come crashing down onto our heads?
No, it wouldn’t. It would be 99.6 percent pure, like Walter White’s meth. Or Dr. Tim Whatley’s laughing gas. So my partners Paul Spence, Pamela Valore and I said, “Yeah science!” and went for it.
Henceforth the world premiere of Breaking Jerry: the Breaking Bad/Seinfeld Mashup.
“It has come to my attention that you have been running an illegal methamphetamine lab in your office. Is that correct?” — Mr. Lippman
(pause) “Was that wrong? — Walter White
(“The Red Dot”)
“So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. The one who knocks.” — George Costanza
(“Cornered,” “The Apartment”)
“I choose not to cook!” — Jesse Pinkman
(“Buyout,” “The Race”)
“Say my name.” — Walter White
“Mulva?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You’re goddamn right.” — White
(“Say My Name,” “The Junior Mint”)
“My wallet’s gone! My wallet’s gone!” — Walter White
(“Crawl Space,” “The Wallet”)
“DING!” — Hector Salamanca
“Ooh! My cocoa!” — Newman
(“Face Off,” “The Seven”)
“You know what you could do? I haven’t eaten lunch or dinner. I can’t eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich.” — Estelle Costanza
“Hey, you like Pollos Hermanos?” — Steven Gomez
(“I See You,” “The Contest”)
“Tight, tight, tight! Yeah! Blue, yellow, pink, whatever man, just keep bringing me that! You can’t snort this meth standing up, your knees buckle.” — Tuco Salamanca
(“A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal,” “The Soup Nazi”)
“Get the Blue Sky. Best meth in the city. The best, Jerry.” — Kenny Bania
“I gotta tell you, the not-telling-your-wife aspect? Most people want to know why they suddenly got rich.” — Saul Goodman
“I wasn’t planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.” — Walter White
(“Four Days Out,” “The Glasses”)
“Hello, Pinkman.” — Gale Boetticher
“Is it true that you put a hit out on Mike?” — Walter White
“Yes. I gave him a list of names, but instead of handling it he’s protecting them. So I hired someone else. At that point there was no option but to add Mike to the list.” — Lydia Rodarte-Quayle
“You got me blacklisted at Hop Sing’s?” — Mike
“She named name!” — Lew
(“Madrigal,” “The Race”)
“Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?” — George Costanza
“I’m a meth cooker.” — Newman
“Aren’t those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?” — Costanza
“Sometimes.” — Newman
“Why is that?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Because the meth never stops!” — Newman
(“The Old Man”)
“You get your car fixed?”– Mike Ehrmantraut
“Not yet.” — Walter White
“You’re gonna want to get your car fixed.” — Mike
“You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out.” — White
(“Full Measure,” “The Handicap Spot”)
“Heisenberg doesn’t like misunderstandings. Heisenberg and misunderstandings kinda clash.” — Walter White
“Once a week on a Wednesday a freight train leaves the port of Long Beach loaded with industrial chemicals. There’s always at least one tanker car full of methylamine. The train travels east to Arizona, stops at a railyard outside Flagstaff, where it gets broken down and rebuilt, but the methylamine always moves on, destined for our pesticide concerns in Texas and Oklahoma, which means that it passes right through your home state. Once the train gets rebuilt in Flagstaff, a final manifest gets uploaded to my company’s server. I’ll have the Nicole Millers for you then.” — Lydia Rodarte-Quayle
(“Dead Freight,” “The Wig Master”)
“Hey George. I win.” — Walter White
(“Face Off,” “The English Patient”)
Paul Spence is an attorney practicing in Moundsville, West Virginia. Better call Paul! He is chairman of the Human Fund, a fund for humans.
Pamela Valore is a teacher in Virginia who has not yet broken bad. She finds pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats.